This week’s episode should be called WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! as the truth behind Meredith’s actions is revealed, Chris Argent’s warehouse becomes a WEREslaughterhouse, Stiles and Malia find that the solution to their problems actually is at the bottom of a bottle wine, Peter Hale does his best Hitler impersonation, and I lose the plot entirely.
We open with Brett (he of rival lacrosse team fame) and yet another young werewolf pal being chased through the school grounds by unknown assailants. They end up in the middle of the sports field, in the pouring rain, with the infrared dots from numerous gun scopes lighting them up like Christmas trees, and it looks like it’s all over for these cubs. But look who’s back! Kira dashes to the rescue and slices arrows and bullets clean out of the air with her sword like a total BAMF. Kira rounds up all the stray supernaturals, including Satomi and her surviving pack members, and takes them to Chris Argent for protection. It’s worth noting that Papa Argent seems to be growing wolfsbane in his warehouse. Is this an indication he’s not to be trusted entirely? Or maybe it’s protection from his sister?
|I told you not to shag Maid Marian…|
Over at the McCall residence, Scott offers to take Liam home on his motorbike. Baby Liam is having a little wobble, understandably, what with being on a hit list and all. He says he’s not like Scott, and asks how his friends are all still alive when they feel the need to save everyone all the time. Scott confesses that they’re not, and my heart aches a little bit for Allison and then I remember Aiden dying in his twin Ethan’s arms and it’s all too much. I like the little recalls and surprising moments of poignancy. We need more of those.
Meanwhile Stiles is in the hospital after taking a knock to the head from Brunski – a Brunski Beat-ing, if you will (sorry). He’s being looked after by Mama McCall, and Melissa playing surrogate mum to Stiles is what I’m here for, frankly. Melissa Ponzio and Dylan O’Brien are a formidable on-screen team. Mama M says Stiles has a concussion and needs a CT scan. This reminds me of the last brain scan he had when they thought he had dementia, and it punches me right in the feels, as the kids say. He agrees to stay put but asks her for a cassette player so he can listen to the mix tape Brunski made. Brunski Beats (sorry again). Mama McCall looks at him like ‘are you serious right now? No one has cassettes anymore!’ proving once again that she is the only rational creature in Beacon Hills.
|The kids soon regretted taking a peek at the proctology department|
She’s not above a bit of inappropriate romantical interference though, locking Malia in Stile’s room until they are forced to forgive and forget and have a bit of a snog. Reunited, the dysfunctional lovebirds waste no time getting down to some sleuthing. They realise Brunski’s tape was not recorded at Eichen House but the lake house, and rush over to investigate. Hearing weird noises in the walls, they smash one down to reveal a bank of old timey computers, which are generating the deadpool. It seems Lorraine’s code was a way of noting down the names she predicted with her banshee powers. It’s not entirely clear why or how the computers are in the wall churning out the list and processing payments. I mean, we know Lorraine worked for IBM, but surely she didn’t smuggle them out of the office. They’re huge. It’s not like stealing a few paperclips and a Sharpie. Did Meredith set them up? If so, how? And why are they so old? And how did they get in the wall? Timelines are not Teen Wolf’s strong point at the best of times, but this is all too much for my poor brain, I’m afraid.
Meanwhile, Lydia is down at the station with the sheriff. They discuss what we’re all thinking i.e. how in the hell Meredith would be capable of masterminding all the assassinations, and they conclude they need to stop the cash flow if they are to stop the killings as it’s now monster open season. Lydia asks for a chance to grill Meredith herself and they let her, because let’s face it, however unorthodox and illegal her methods, she couldn’t be any more useless than most of Beacon Hills’ actual police force who are mostly out setting each other on fire. However, Meredith will only talk to no one’s favourite uncle, Peter Hale.
Peter asks Meredith where his money is and how she knows him. Frustrated with her cryptic babbling and ever the gentleman, he sticks his claws in the back of her neck to access her memories, and finds she was in the hospital bed next to him after the fire, when both were comatose. Being a banshee, Meredith heard his every Machiavellian thought, and his plan to exterminate all the weak supernatural creatures of Beacon Hills and rebuild the monster population to his own superior ideals. You know, like a mad god. Or a Nazi. I must give props to Ian Bohen at this point for the most hilariously delivered lines in the entire show since Grandpa Gerald’s “MOUNTAIN AAAAAASH!” from season two. “Everyone can be corrupted by MONEYYYYY!” he screams maniacally at poor, unconscious, suggestible Meredith, ruffling her Art Garfunkel tribute act hair in the process. So the whole Benefactor shtick was Peter’s idea but he doesn’t remember having it. Peter is the shittiest villain ever. Sheriff Stilinski is equally unimpressed by this reveal and really wants to shoot Peter in the face, but Lydia insists they let him go.
Lydia takes five to FaceTime with Stiles and Malia. She doesn’t seem too concerned about the remodelling they have done to the Martin lake house, but she does freak when she notices the red wine stains are missing from the cream shag pile. Somehow instead of assuming someone else cleaned her mess up, this leads her to conclude that the key for switching off the sci-fi computers is concealed in a bottle of 1982 Cote du Rhone. This has to be up there with Derek’s secret stash of Satomi’s magic tea for super convenient and ridiculous plot resolutions. I think Jeff Davis had been at the wine himself, as this denouement smacks of a writer who gives zero fucks.
Derek, Scott and Braeden join Kira at Argent’s place, and Derek gives a rousing speech about putting any wannabe assassins on their own deadpool before all hell breaks loose, and I’m reminded that there hasn’t been enough Derek this season and, given his conversation with Scott last week, I have to admit I’m worried about his future. The pack deploys a full arsenal of automatic weapons against the rogue hunters and assassins, although miraculously no one gets hit by a stray bullet – not even Kira and her trusty gun-proof sword.
|So where do I put my IPod?|
Scott almost goes full wolf whilst shredding one of the attackers, and it would be remiss of me not to mention the extraordinary CGI face going on here. It’s terrifying, although possibly not for the reasons the VFX department intended. I thought my computer had a virus for a second there. Luckily, The Magic Old Timey Computer Key of Cote du Rhone comes to the rescue before Scott can taste first blood, a barrage of text messages stopping a battle that makes Platoon look like an episode of Rainbow with a few weedy pocket vibrations. Yeah, I don’t know either.
Back at the sheriff’s office, Lydia and Meredith have a heart to heart. It transpires that Meredith heard Lydia screaming for Allison at Eichen House, and thought that all supernaturals should be wiped out (herself included) as too many people were dying. I’m sure suicide by giant computer and inept hired killers makes perfect sense in Meredith’s complex mind, but her logic is lost on me. Lydia tells her not all monsters do monstrous things, citing Scott as a glowing example. She’s blissfully unaware that he just wolfed out so badly that his face melted. While both actresses do a great job in this scene, I think it’s hard for us to feel much sympathy for Meredith in light of the fact that she tried to execute most of the town’s population, and incited its less savoury characters to commit murder. I’m looking at you, Hulk Jnr. Also we know her judgement is whack if she’s entrusting the future of humanity to Peter Hale.
Speaking of Peter, he meets up with Kate Argent in another sewer. Let’s hope he took Malia’s mother somewhere a bit fancier before he impregnated her. Peter admits to Kate that he’s rattled by the whole Meredith thing, but that he still wants to go through with their plan to kill Scott!
|Oh God, it gets worse….Is there an archaeologist on campus?|
So the mystery of The Benefactor is finally laid to rest, but I have questions. So many questions. Where did those bloody computers come from and how were they linked to bank accounts, printers and mobile phones all over Beacon Hills? What was the wine if it wasn’t wine and how did the key get in the bottle? What will Mama Martin say when she sees the state of her house before the open day? Where is Deaton? What’s Chris up to with that wolfsbane? Who was insisting on visual confirmation of death for the dead pool hits if all the names were pre-ordained and being checked off by banshees? What’s happened to the Berserkers? What’s happened to Derek’s storyline and why is no one trying to get his powers back? When will Peter Hale learn that he is NOT the true alpha? Where is Danny?
It seems that after a strong season three, much of this year’s plot has relied on ret-con, and contrivances. It almost feels like a writing team playing a drunken game of Consequences rather than a coherent story arc, which is a shame. But I’m interested to see how the next two episodes set up the coming season. We need answers about Derek’s de-aging and how the Berserkers came to be in Mexico, which I don’t think can be wrapped up satisfactorily any time soon.
I’ll just be over here scratching my head until next week, wolflings.