Dear Santa…

I realise it’s still a bit early, but I wanted to give you fair notice because I know what I really, really want for Christmas. Santa, baby, I give you the Rodeo Jensen 3000:

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This life-size, posable spanky toy comes with an array of stunning features including:

Removable, mismatched double denim outfit comprising shirt and plum-hugger jeans

Complimentary ‘Dr. Sexy’ style cowboy boots

Sasquatch lasso

Ginormous and ostentatious ‘junk adornment’ belt buckle

Falconry gloves(?!)

Realistic smudges of grime for added heterosexuality

Carefully tousled ‘grabby hands’ hair

Awesome, patented ‘Real Feel’ mouth

(Requires 684 AA batteries – not included)

I think you’ll agree it truly is the ‘must have’ toy for this coming Chrimbo – hence I am registering my request in October. You snooze, you lose as a wise man once said.

Also, since I have been so very extra good this year, I thought you might find it in your heart to send me TWO presents (don’t ask, don’t get, God loves a trier and all that jazz), so I would also like to put my name down for an Interactive Sweat ‘n’ Strip Jared:

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He sweats REAL sweat!!

It may seem a tad greedy, but if you could see your way to fulfilling my requests this year, I will never need to ask for anything (or leave the house) ever again.

Many thanks and kindest regards,

Pinkwood (aged 30 and 3/4)

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